Far be it from me to condone anything that makes light of the zombie apocalypse - it is no laughing matter and certainly won't be to anyone who makes jokes about the prospect of friends and loved ones being eaten and turned - but occasionally some sobering truths can be extracted from the jest.
I happened upon an article on pinkraygun.com, for whom my friend Teresa writes Lost recaps, that caught my attention. Teresa didn't write this particular article but it's worth reading nonetheless. It's entitled: "10 Rules for Dating in the Zombie Apocalypse." Like I said, I don't usually go for jokes in the face of certain doom, but it has a tone that reminds one to be on one's guardthere is plenty of practical information to be gleaned from this.
For example:
3. Carry a hammer - A hammer can be used as a building tool, a food preparation tool and a self-defense tool. It will be the new must-have accessory, so set yourself apart by bedazzling your hammer. A bedazzled hammer says "I'm practical and trendy!" Extra points for preparedness if you name your hammer. "Mjolnir" and "Smashy" are great names and show your date that you appreciate your hardware.
A hammer is quite helpful for the reasons listed above. Granted, it isn't the ideal tool for close combat with a zombie and is almost useless if you are surrounded by them but its non-combat uses - like basic carpentry or breaking off locks to get to ammo, food, medicine, and/or shelter - and its portability make it a necessary tool to keep with you.
Also:
7. Don't talk too much - You'll only give away your hiding place and draw more zombies to your location.
What needs to be elaborated upon here? Seriously.
And most importantly, the article ends on a down note, but one that you need to hear regardless (I have highlighted the key information below):
10. Be kind to zombies - You don't want to thin out the zombie dating pool too much because one day, you'll be a zombie, too. You may miss out on "Mister Right," but you're almost guaranteed to find "Mr. Bite."
Obviously, the "be kind to zombies" part is a joke but it is something to keep in the back of your mind: one day, you'll be a zombie too. Don't use it as an excuse to give up on life and accept your death as inevitable. Use it as a tool to keep yourself going in the roughest of times. If and when you are alone, having seen everyone you know die, remember that the zombies would love nothing more than to make you one as well. Don't let them. It is up to you and only you to live to fight another day. You owe it to your friends and loved ones to stay alive. They may be flesh-eating undead now (the ones you didn't dutifully kill, that is) but the living people they once were would be very happy to know that you survived. Something to think about.
Zombie Apocalypse Watch will keep you in the know every Monday and Thursday until the zombie apocalypse.
