A Fairytale of New York - live from above Central Park

This is my favorite thing about winter.

Zombie Apocalypse Watch - December 18, 2008

Two orders of business today:

First off, Greg Cooke, a senior at St. John's University in St. Joseph, Minnesota, has written a plea to his school's administrators to establish a safety plan in the event of the zombie apocalypse. More likely than not, the zombie apocalypse will happen while classes are in session, thus leaving hundreds of students in that institution alone virtually helpless, sitting ducks waiting to become a feast for the undead. Hardly a fitting end for kids who presumably just want to become productive members of society.

So this enterprising young gentleman has taken it upon himself to draw attention to certain weak spots on his campus as well as maps out preliminary safety precautions that must be taken in order to best serve the living people at the school. He does get a couple of key pieces of information incorrect (for example, Max Brooks' World War Z is less of an informative book on how to survive a zombie apocalypse than is his indispensible Zombie Survival Guide, which I strongly urge you to buy and familiarize yourself with its lessons) but it is precisely this kind of whip-smart thinking and proactive spirit that we need in all of our institutions of higher learning. Mr. Cooke's words may have just saved the lives of his fellow campus-dwellers. For that, I salute him.

But this article got me to thinking. Minnesotans have a slight advantage in terms of their natural surroundings, at least compared to those of us near the ocean. If the zombie apocalypse does in fact break out during winter, the cold temperatures out there - well below freezing on occasion - will aid in fighting the living dead. Many zombies will freeze within hours as they would have nothing but warm human flesh - let's not mince words, your warm human flesh - to keep themselves from freezing. Provided that there are no fires nearby to thaw the zombies out, a well-trained, well-protected survivor in the right place at the right time could very well turn the tables on the undead and, relatively safely, kill the frozen zombies one by one. An icepick or an aluminum baseball bat would work wonders in this case; you wouldn't want to use precious ammunition as the threat level is low and anything less sturdy than a large sharp or blunt metal instrument runs the risk of breaking on or inside the frozen zombie's skull. Also, do not - REPEAT, DO NOT - simply sever the heads as they can still bite unfortunate passersby once the weather gets warmer. Destroy the brain. Period.

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Secondly, I couldn't sleep last night because I took a questionnaire and discovered this:

51%

This sobering news has forced me to rethink my current living situation. Due to the unusual combination of living in New York City and not owning a gun, my chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse are at a mere 51%. My attachment to my family and friends has likewise lowered my chances. Not even my resolve to shoot them in the head once they turn (yes, even my lovely wife) is enough to push my chances to just better than 50-50. But this is why I'm making sure that everyone I care for is prepared for the zombie apocalypse. It is one thing to make foolish decisions in the face of certain death but it is another entirely to cut off any and all ties to your loved ones in the name of survival. That is something I won't do. If I turn my back on the people that matter most to me, then the zombies can claim me, without even having to infect me, as one of their own: bloodless, cold, evil.

And not worthy of walking this earth.



Zombie Apocalypse Watch will keep you in the know every Monday and Thursday until the zombie apocalypse.

3/4 drunk from the office Christmas party - live from Union Square

I need to go home.

Zombie Apocalypse Watch - December 15, 2008

Knowledge, as they used to say on Schoolhouse Rock, is power. It can also be protection for you and your loved ones. In the interest of keeping my readers (however few of you there are) informed and safe, I have decided to include a new feature on Words of the Weasel Sort: the Zombie Apocalypse Watch. This feature will be designed to keep you in the know about zombie outbreaks: when and where they occur, how many were affected, if they were successfully contained by local authorities, and what (if anything) you should do about it.

I have been paying attention to these small occurrences over the last few months. Thankfully, not too many outbreaks have been reported and all have been quashed pretty easily and swiftly. But a recent outbreak over the weekend - in Chicago, no less! - made me sit up and take notice.

Zombies overran Millennium Park... and WENT ICE-SKATING!

No attacks on the living were reported but this gives us all much greater cause for concern. I will explain.

Given humankind's previous experience with zombies, we were made to understand that they were merely capable of walking and consuming human flesh. The fact that this crop of zombies displayed fine motor skills, thus defying the studies of Dr. Millard Rausch, must be seen in one and only one way: as a conscious show of force! This is a coordinated mass-demonstration of higher intelligence, which means that the day we have all feared has arrived: zombies have begun evolving!

This prospect has kept me awake at night many a time and the fact that it now stares me in the face, with photographic evidence provided by the Chicago Sun-Times, chills me to my very core. In much the same way that life evolves to adapt to changing surroundings, so too have the zombies, advancing in such a way as to blur the line between the living and the dead, thus making it easier to bait and eat the living under the ruse that traces of the living people they once were remain. It is safe to assume that zombies are becoming skilled hunters. I don't quite know how to react, nor do I know what to tell you. It is very likely that everything we currently know about the zombie has, in one day, become outdated.

Perhaps I am being a bit rash. Maybe this is an isolated incident and this isn't the shape of things to come. Maybe a specimen or two were taken in Chicago and kept re-animated in order to study this anomaly further. One can only hope. In the meantime, we must all act as if this is the new order of things and now, more than ever, we must be strong and vigilant in the face of our enemy. Remember the words of Dr. Rausch (whom I have quoted on this site in the past and cannot do so enough): "We must not be lulled by the concept that they are our family members or our friends. They are not. They will not respond to such emotions." If and when you see a member of the undead operating with seemingly higher brain function, you have but one course of action: destroy its brain. Or if you are a trained professional with the means of catching and detaining a zombie for the purposes of scientific research, by all means do so (unfortunately, many outbreaks begin when average people who think they have the skills and tools necessary to safely take a zombie into custody find out that they do not, so please leave it to the pros).

It is with a due sense of fear that I look out of my office window on Wollman Rink in Central Park today. I have no binoculars with which I can more closely examine things and determine if the sight I behold is but happy people partaking in a weather-appropriate (though not so much on this unseasonably warm mid-December afternoon) activity, or a similar demonstration of the advanced undead in my beloved city. All I can report from this bird's-eye view is that no one is running from the rink in terror. This means that either there is no threat...

or that there's no one left to run.