Guys Like These Don't Die On Toilets

I try not to get political here, in part because I'm not particularly good at it. But with John Edwards' endorsement of Barack Obama yesterday, an announcement that they will run together is practically imminent and now, it's kind of hard to ignore it any longer.

For months, I've been saying that, should it happen, the Obama-Edwards ticket would be unstoppable in this fall's election. I haven't been saying this because of my political acumen; despite feeling like I got an A in my poli sci class this semester, I lay claim to none. I have no insight into Capitol Hill that would inform anything I have to say about the candidates, nor have I read into either senator's history any more than the average voter has (unless, of course, said average voter still thinks that Obama is a Muslim and is bothered by that). I am not going on anything except for one rule that three decades of moviegoing has shown me to be absolutely 100% ironclad.

Anytime a black man and a white man team up, they will win.

It's a well-known fact, tested and proven time and time again.

Take a look at the evidence:

48 Hrs. (1982) - Jack Cates and Reggie Hammond

"We ain't partners. We ain't brothers. And we ain't friends." That's what Detective Jack Cates (Nick Nolte, above right) said to convict Reggie Hammond (Eddie Murphy, left, when he was still funny) as they first pair up to find a cop killer on the loose. But by the end of the film, as much as they don't want to admit it, that's exactly what they become. Granted, Reggie has to go back to jail by the end but, hey, if he wasn't a trustworthy and resourceful guy, why did they make Another 48 Hrs., huh?

Men in Black (1997) - J and K

Agents J (Will Smith) and K (Tommy Lee Jones) help keep the world free of illegal aliens... from outer space! Granted, this blockbuster sci-fi comedy might be more right-wing than we realize, especially in a post-9/11 world, but nonetheless, it demonstrates that a black man/white man pairing is more than capable of singlehandedly - well, doublehandedly, as there's two of them - keeping the world (standing in for the United States) safe from any foreign enemies. Bush just made the absurd suggestion yesterday that there will be another terrorist attack in the US should a Democrat be elected in November. But where's his proof? I've got mine. Where's his?




Pulp Fiction (1994) - Jules and Vincent; Butch and Marsellus

The racial pairings in Pulp Fiction demonstrate that, when fighting for a common good, a black man and a white man will put aside their differences and help each other achieve their goals. For instance, the "Bonnie Situation," wherein Vincent Vega (John Travolta) and Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) argue over the religious implications of an attempt on their lives. Despite their opposing viewpoints on whether or not divine intervention was involved in their escaping from the incident unscathed, they put it all aside when Vincent accidentally shoots Marvin in the face, thus making Jules' blood-stained car particularly conspicuous. The religious debate gets shelved once again when Jules gets involved in a standoff with two robbers in a diner.

However, an even better example lies in the relationship between down-and-out boxer Butch Coolidge (Bruce Willis) and gangster Marsellus Wallace (Ving Rhames).

Although Butch betrays Marsellus by not taking a dive in a fight (to say nothing of their trying to kill each other afterwards), they each have a turn at redemption when they are kidnapped by two deviant rednecks. Butch manages to escape while Marsellus is getting raped in a back room; rather than throwing his would-be killer to these wolves, Butch grabs a samurai sword and saves him instead. Marsellus responds in kind by allowing Butch to leave LA unharmed. This again illustrates that a black man and a white man will always put aside their differences, no matter how substantial, for the greater good. In Butch and Marsellus' case, the greater good was the integrity of their anuses. In Obama and Edwards' case, it's the country.

Lethal Weapon 2 (1989) - Riggs and Murtaugh

None - and I mean none - of the previous examples can hold a candle to the working relationship of one Sgt. Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) and one Sgt. Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover). This is the single shining example of how the black man/white man pairing is unstoppable and almost always triumphant. These two, truly LA's Finest, fought rogue cops, gun runners, Asian gangsters, South African drug lords, and Gary Busey. And they won every time. I have such confidence in the success of not only an Obama-Edwards presidential campaign but an Obama-Edwards administration that it has led me to refer to them as the "Lethal Weapon ticket."

Of the four films in the Lethal Weapon series, I single out Lethal Weapon 2 for a couple of different reasons. First, there's the race issue. Lethal Weapon 2 was made during a time when South Africa was still under apartheid, government-enforced racial segregation. This factors heavily into the storyline of a South African diplomat using his immunity to traffic drugs into the United States.

Which brings me to my second reason: the issue of corruption. Riggs and Murtaugh are very literally fighting against the abuse of governmental authority. Absolute power corrupts absolutely... unless a black guy and a white guy team up against you, in which case absolute power gets a 20-ton shipment of coke dropped on its head.

Third, there's the toilet scene, which I will let speak for itself:

Not even a seemingly inescapable situation, such as a toilet bomb, can stop these guys. I look at Obama and Edwards and believe that, working together, they can help each other survive a toilet bomb. After something like that, most things a president can or will contend with are cake.

And finally, there's the villain of the film, Arjen Rudd:

who bears something of a resemblance to Republican presidential nominee, John McCain.

Add it all up (and I'm not even taking into account the John McClane-Al Powell team-up in Die Hard... walkie-talkies!) and you simply can't deny that the Obama-Edwards "Lethal Weapon ticket" is going to be a formidable force come November. However, all bets are off should Colin Powell be chosen as McCain's running mate. In which case, they become the "Lethal Weapon ticket" (exclusively because they're "getting too old for this shit") and Obama-Edwards becomes known as the "Last Boy Scout ticket," which is still pretty damn good.